“J.P. DEVINE: The bedbugs bite” |
| Posted: 25 Sep 2010 10:07 PM PDT BY J.P. DEVINE, Columnist They're coming. They haven't been sighted locally yet, but if you don't have them now, you will, or at least that's what conventional wisdom is telling us.  Who is CW? That would be almost every news outlet out there: CNN, NBC, CBS, MSNBC, FOX, yes, even right-wingers are being infected. Yes, they're coming: bedbugs. If you haven't heard or God forbid, been bitten, there are things you need to know. If you go online, Michael Colongione, president of "GotchA! Bedbugs Inspectors" has some clues for you. Let me break it down to save some time. This is no joke. This is not some cheap Bates Motel plague. Bedbugs are now officially ubiquitous in America, affecting rich and poor alike. They're in many of the big chain hotels (they're not admitting it yet) and retail stores. It's being alleged that hip, trendy stores are infested, but it doesn't end there. Colongione's list is frightening in and of itself. What if you find one at a friend's home or in a restaurant? OMG. You get home and "Shazam," there's a bedbug on your couch, your bed or bathroom rug. Don't panic. Experts are saying you should have a certified inspection team visit your home to check for bedbug eggs. Check your local listings. Bedbug eggs? OMG. Apparently they can arrive in the mail, in a package from an online store. OMG! You buy that Christmas sweater or sweat suit, open the box and out jumps a a bedbug! What you do here is to close the box immediately and return it. (Be sure to put the bedbugs back in before sealing it.) These are not pets, remember. You can't housebreak them or train them to sit up are fetch. These are bedbugs! The Internet is jammed with experts, semi-experts and faux-experts all giving advice. One solution is an over the counter bug spray that you can carry in your purse, and use anywhere. It's called "Pronto Plus." Be sure to spray your purse first, then your bed, your dog's bed and if local laws allow, your neighbor's bed. Be sure to call first before entering. With new laws on the books, your neighbor may be carrying a weapon. Everyone is jumpy, so knock before entering, then hold up the spray so they can see through the peephole that you're not some progressive, distributing literature. If you find one in your house, there are probably more there. Ask yourself important questions. Where did I eat last night? Was it at the Smiths? Jones? Call them at once, warn them that they are carriers and that they are no longer welcome at your place. Then call all their friends and warn them not to go to the Smiths or Jones. Put them on FaceBook. They should have known better. We're being advised to purchase a spray, such as the above, or one that is certified by the Environmental Protection Agency. If the EPA has been shut down due to budgetary concerns, call your mother. She always had advice about these things. Wasn't she right about cooties? It's important that you kill the eggs as well. This is not to be confused with the latest egg salmonella thing. That's about chicken eggs. Don't go spraying your eggs. There are also services that provide a K-9 bedbug sniffer. I'm not kidding. They're being used in major city hotels. You can Google that. To save money, I'm trying to train my sheepdog Jack to sniff out bedbugs. So far he's only come up with some fleas and an occasional caterpillar. Sheep dogs are notorious for their weird sense of humor. If you're traveling, we're told, keep your clothing inside your suitcases and don't open them. This could be a problem, so make sure you're wearing cute clothes that work for day and night. They advise us not to put our clothes in the hotel closets or drawers, and that includes that one with the Gideon Bible. Before going to bed, check the bedding, including mattress seams, headboards, pillowcases, box springs and comforters. If you weren't sleepy before you started this, you will be by the time you finish. Thank God, bedbugs have yet to be found in the complimentary bar. It is not clear, at this printing, whether or not bedbug bites are being covered by the Obama Health Plan. Stay tuned. J.P. Devine is a Waterville writer. This entry passed through the Full-Text RSS service — if this is your content and you're reading it on someone else's site, please read our FAQ page at fivefilters.org/content-only/faq.php |
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